Written by Anika Varma Edited by Raghvi Sethi
At a certain point in a person's life, they often find themselves fixated on the idea of embodying today’s ideal body image: “slim and fit.” While this case doesn’t apply to every person, it certainly did for me. Every summer, I set out on a mission to shrink down to almost nothing. I’d travel to India with the goal of losing weight and returning as a completely transformed version of myself. The heat was intense—with the sun shimmering off the pavement—and not a cloud in sight. I’d spend my days sprawled out on my bed, enjoying the AC, and avoiding food until a specific time, claiming it was all part of my intermittent fasting plan.
Looking back, my actions resembled many of the signs of an eating disorder. An eating disorder encompasses various mental health issues in which someone overeats or undereats. I would starve myself all day, hoping to drop some weight and achieve the body I longed for. Fast forward to the end of summer, and my family and I were back in the United States. Despite being completely wiped out from the journey, I couldn’t resist checking my weight. To my dismay, I had only lost four pounds. I went out with my little sister the next day to shake off the jet lag, which didn’t really work. While we were joking and running around, our neighbor (one of my mother’s close friends) stopped us to ask about our vacation and how long we’d been back. I can still hear her words clearly: “I can see you’ve lost some weight. Were you eating okay in India?”
That next week, I regained those pounds faster than I ever thought possible. I can’t quite describe how I felt at that moment. My neighbor’s daughter was right there and tried to apologize for her mom’s comment, but the damage had already been done. I’ve always been sensitive about my body appearance, so her words stung. It sent me into a spiral, making me wonder if my friends thought I was overweight or if their moms thought I should eat less. All my friends were tiny and had small appetites, while I was the opposite.
You might think I was overreacting, but for a twelve-year-old girl who had been told for years that she needed to lose weight to be considered pretty, hearing those words from someone I knew closely was incredibly tough. I felt like the only time I got noticed was when I lost some weight, which twisted my perception of friendship for a while. In retrospect, it might not seem like what I went through was a typical eating disorder, but it truly messed with my head. After that moment, I started paying more attention to other people's bodies, judging and comparing them to mine. I made a mental list of everything I disliked about my body and another list of changes I wished I could make based on how others looked.
This might not hit home for everyone, but I hope it resonates with someone who’s faced similar experiences. It’s way easier to say you’ll just get better than to actually do it, especially when you’re tempted to starve yourself to lose weight or binge on snacks when you feel hopeless.
Instead of being on either side of the swinging pendulum, try to find the middle ground where you drink enough water, eat healthy food, and work out. To help yourself drink water, station a glass of water on your desk before you sleep so you drink it first thing in the morning, or you can set reminders on your phone. To eat healthy, start small by eating fruits as a snack or making a smoothie with fruits! Working out doesn’t have to be something intimidating like going to the gym if you don’t want to! To help myself improve, I’ve started enjoying Pilates and going for walks with my mom or sister. I’m not ‘cured’—that’s just not realistic—but I am making progress through consistent effort! For more support, the All Bodies Coalition is the largest student-led organization in the eating disorder recovery space and has many members, all of whom are willing to help you or someone you may know who has a difficult relationship with food!
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